[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
You Might Also Like
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful