[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You Might Also Like
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
They’re called werewolves.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius