Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”