TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Pass gas, not judgment.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village