A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop