Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.