Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”