Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey