Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.