I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Velcrow
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?