I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Very good news from my accountant
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”