Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
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Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.