i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day