I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?