Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.