“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…