Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I have never related to anyone more.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth