Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The first matador
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Sorry. Not sorry
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.