[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.