Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.