Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that