My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Jesus steals the winter solstice
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]