ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If snakes were wide
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?