I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Perfection.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.