my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret