I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
thanksgiving in nutshell
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.