you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”