“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“you recording!?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*