if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.