Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one