People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Van Gone
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight