her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet