It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…