No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Clients after you give them your rates
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
the clam before the storm
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.