me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When your man makes a valid point
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.