Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch