I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Going to church you guys need anything
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
kevin is now a local weatherman
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team