Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer