The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
this article brought to you by lions
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped