There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Ferrari squats
Some people were born into their job.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad