The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
buys donuts instead
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.