[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*