<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”