at ease…shoulder.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?