My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.