Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.