When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.