At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh