When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.