COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.